Hello once again audience!
For those of you who don't know or just simply updating the obvious, I'm 35 weeks along. That in prego or pregnancy talk means I'm eight months and I'm getting ready to pop. It's been a long road which looking now has flown by. The time it took to get here, however when more thought is put into it, and to me it took FOREVER.I guess I'll mention as shortened as I can, the adventure that I've taken. Meaning the choice, the discovery and finally the realization.
Before I begin however.
A lot of women around my age feel that it's the WORST decision that you can make. Because you are at the prime of your life they say. You're either just finishing a bachelors or just looking into a more serious relationship to start with someone and then getting married by the age 25. All of these things I mentioned are STEREOTYPICAL.
Fact 1: Yes I'm young.
Fact 2: Yes it's VERY stereotypical for a Mormon girl to get pregnant around my age AND not to shortly after being married.
Quite frankly to set the record straight, it has been a roller coaster journey. I'm not going to lie it was hard to find out I was pregnant because I had different plans.
Do I regret it? Sometimes, but mostly for selfish reasons. I can still accomplish what I want in this life without having to think that a KID would hold me back from that. Beggers can't be choosers but quitters NEVER win.
Will it be harder?
Oh yea. No doubt about it. But for hell sake I'm not a single parent and even if I were, there are ways to get help.
Am I happy?
You bet ya. It brings a new definition of intimate with my husband as well as getting to know him.
If hypothetically, I had waited for as long as I wanted to originally start a family, it would have been 3 years down the road and I still wouldn't be done with school. Maybe a different job possibly but that's about it. My husband isn't done with school and since we're trying to get him in the Airforce, not much would have changed. At least from my perspective on the matter.
Moving on.
What started it was that I had a dream that brought me to tears and literally had me questioning my sense of reality.
I had been discussing with my husband the "starting a family and when" model.
I'm still terrified of children so having these discussions really were beneficial because it meant I was putting it off that much longer but also a little closer too.
It was around general conference in October of 2011 and I was having some serious problems with my birth control. SO having that with the combination of discussing the topic, weren't exactly ideal. I felt prety confused on what I wanted because I love my husband more than anything. And after being engaged 2 other times within 3 years, I was sure I knew that this was the guy I wanted to have my kids with. Problem was the when. I had been having other dreams prior to the one that changed everything. They were all the same. A baby was there. But I couldn't figure out if the child was mine or not. And there was danger.
Now the dream.
Scene: Picture a mall. My dream was the layout of the Provo Town Center. If you don't know that mall, it's a two level mall and has bridges that let you cross over to either side every so many feet.
Setting: There is a tornado ripping and barreling it's way through the mall. I'm lost, confused and have no idea were I'm supposed to go. Suddenly through the chaos, a child came to me. It was a little boy that came up no higher than my hip in size.
Boy: "Come with me, I know were to go."
Me: This kid has obviously no clue. "No you don't, you're just a kid"
Boy: "Trust me. I know were to go."
Doubtful but desperate I followed the boy into a bathroom and he gestured to me to sit on the toilet with the seat down. Reluctant and feeling awkward, I did as the boy told me. ( I know it sounds ridiculous but bare with me further)
Soon the force of the tornado was there. The toilets pipes from beneath had burst, and I was being rocked up and down (not high enough to hit the ceiling) by the water pressure. This happened for a minute or so. Then everything was still.
The water descended, and we were back on the floor.
All of a sudden, like a black haze had been lifted, I remembered were I was supposed to go.
The boy and I left the room we were in and the coast was clear. For now.
Me: "Come with me, I know were to go to saftey!"
Boy: Turning in the opposite direction of were I was going. "No"
Me: "What do you mean no?"
Boy: "I love thrilling adventures, and going with you isn't going to get me that."
With that being said, he took off.. I figured if he was going to be an idiot then it wasn't my problem.
I started running in the direction of dillards. (why that store I have no idea) As I ran, I look down and there is an infant in my arms. Completely confused, I was thinking much like someone else would. Whose baby is this?? And were did it come from??? After questioning myself on this, I look over my shoulder and I see the boy still running the opposite way. I faced forward once more and the baby in my arms is gone.
Next scene: The tornado is finally gone and I emerge with the rest of the people who had made it to safety group. The leader looked at all of us and said he was going to show us were all the un-safest were. Not sure why really but that's what he wanted to do.
As we all followed he eventually came to the bathroom that I had been in with the boy not to much earlier. There was shrapnel everywhere that was caused by the mirrors and the toilets. I told the leader that I had been here right before I found the group and that I was with someone. Appalled that I didn't bring that person back with me, he proceeded to tell me that I was in charge of bringing as many survivors back as possible. He then told me I had to find this boy and make sure that he was still alive after my poor decision on not trying harder to have him come with me.
I panicked and I literally felt my heart hit the floor. The sinking realization of the boy missing was enough to make me hysterical.
I went with another individual and I was trying to think of were the boy had gone. I had an epiphany and realized that he was probably outside at one of the warehouses close by. Which those happen to be Cinnamon toast crunch building. (Again sorry for the weird references.)
We made our way into the double glass doors that lead outside. We were in the middle section of it looking at the map to locate the warehouse. As I was about to go out, the other individual, noticed on the shelves that were randomly located in the doors he saw the little boy.
He pointed down and I followed his gaze. There was the boy...curled up in a mayo jar. (Disgusting and odd) He lifted the jar with one hand and put it in my hand. As I looked at the boy in pure horror, he shrank down to the size of the fetus. The gentleman with me said that he must have drown in it.
I started to come to. Waking up from my dream. So i started flexing my hand around the jar. Trying to figure out what it was I was holding in reality.
But the jar felt so REAL in my hand.
I could feel the texture of the bottom of the glass. That bumpiness that lines the bottom on the outside. The solidness of it. The coolness of it. The weight.
I began to have a melt down because I was wondering now if I was dreaming or not.
What woke me up was when I felt my other hand smack my leg in reality. I woke up flustered and my poor husband I had woken up due to the upsetting dream I had.
I began discussing with him the events of the dream. He told me dreams didn't mean anything but this one was WAY to trippy not to have some meaning behind it.
As I put more thought into it, I started thinking of my patriarchal blessing. For those of you who don't know what that is, here's a link to a website that does http://www.lds.org/topics/patriarchal-blessings?lang=eng.
I recall in my blessing, or my "personal counsel from the Lord" I recall that there was a line in it that said that my gifts would be made known to me.
A large wave, similar to the one I felt with my husband when I was sealed in the temple with him, over came me. It was light but also heavy. It kinda felt like when someone holds you really closely. I immediately started to cry. Caleb thought that he had something wrong. I didn't realize it but he was trying to embrace me in bed and I pushed myself out of bed and started to take a bath to help me relax.
The weight of what I just realized was flooding my senses and confusing the heck out of me.
I eventually got some sense in me and told my husband what I realized. He tried to help me understand that dreams don't mean anything since it's just a combination of what you are feeling subconsciously and everything you think about during the day.
Needless to say I didn't think that was it.
Now bless my dear sweet friends heart that helped me realize what it was that I needed to do after I told her my dream. I cried again as I told her and she was very supportive throughout my story telling.
She told me to look at the dream a different way.
And this is what I came up with.
I'm putting myself at risk by continuing the birth control I had, and it was going to lead to FAR worst problems if I continued it's use. Plus, it was inhibiting my ability to have children and may make it permanent that I will never have kids if I stay on it.
I know how far fetched that sounds but after I stopped taking the birth control, I felt SO much better. I wasn't sick anymore and I wasn't in pain anymore. Physically and emotionally.
A couple months later, we discovered at a planned parenthood that I was pregnant. (That's another story for another time.)
But in conclusion, we are now blessed with a sweet baby girl and she'll be with us very very soon.
I'm happy to say that I'm very excited to see her when she get's here. And I hope that I'll be a good example for her so that she may know just how much I love here :)
Moving on!
Current Project:
Pattern: Rippling Vest by redheart.com
Yarn: Baby Soft by Lion Brand Yarn. I found this at Joann's fabric store. It's the same yarn I used for the blessing ensemble.
Hook Size: US D-3.25mm
*I altered this pattern because I didn't have a size 2.1 mm hook and I also don't have crochet thread. Plus I like the texture of this yarn better.
I'm in now way a proffesional with crocheting. I'm doing this all improve like I do most of my work so wish me luck!
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